THE LEAGUE
THE LEAGUE
The Managers:
Derek Francis - Recap: 'A Girl Named George' / 8-5 / MLU Champion
Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on us for
allowing such a shyster to pull the proverbial rug from under our feet for the
second consecutive year. Derek’s antics in the aftermath of his championship
victory have been well documented in the most recent MLU Podcast, so we beseech
our followers to set aside their disgust with the filth we have transmitted to
the once friendly MLU airwaves. Rest assured, for we cut the conversation off
before Derek could share his written acceptance speech that undoubtedly began
with a passage from Websters Dictionary. Yet, credit must be given where it is
due, even more so because of the pedestrian fantasy season Derek’s first round draft
selection, Chris Johnson, had. The timely resurgence of Reggae Bush near the end
of the season pushed Derek to the forefront, and Drew Brees, along with a
plethora of receivers, took care of the rest. It’s disconcerting to see The
Yoder thrown back into the oblivion that is the University of Notre Dame
campus. The putrid smell of Abercrombie cologne and month old Little Debbie wrappers
pales in comparison to being subjected to the two hours that follow every Notre
Dame football game where the room’s inhabitants reassure each other of their
fandom to a second rate football program while trying to conceal their three
year old scarlet and gray jerseys that hang in the closet. As it stands, however, this young man
delivered on his preseason declaration to preserve the MLU’s vixen for another
year, so it’s a tip of the cap to the one who brought it early and often
throughout the season, transvestite reference and all.
Jesse Grogean - Recap: 'Enron'/ 0-13
Like a fantasy season straight out of an M. Night Shayamalan
film, things turned intolerable early. The injuries, the suspensions, the indecipherable
injury reports, the hard narcotics… names of the deceased are indistinguishable
at this point. All that is left are several dead carcasses and the permanent
stamp of an 0 – 13 season that Grogean will have to live with for the rest
of his days in office. A consolation bracket championship only laid further proof
to the carnage of the 2011 season that caused the authorities to shield their eyes
and cringe. Laughter and ridicule amongst the MLU forced the him into seclusion
by Week 8, where it is rumored he lived out the remainder of his season “drinking
his food through a straw”. Had it not been for a 2009 MLU Championship, we don’t
like to speculate as to what Grogean may have resorted to, but it absolutely
would have involved dropping out of UD, opening a Chinese Buffet, and a flashy
profile on Match.com. His work on the MLU Podcast may be the only thing keeping the league's managers from going all Lord of the Flies on his ass, so there is a positive takeaway for Grogean in the wake of his ineptitude. Hopefully - 2012 brings less injuries and a regular
season victory to the once respected fantasy football militant.
Cayle McEldowney - Recap: ‘Team Wesley’ / 8-5
As the photo booth picture to the right exemplifies, Cayle
likes to play his social itinerary very close to the chest. Which is why we weren’t
surprised when he went WR – WR – WR in the first three rounds of last summer’s
draft. Some may argue to this method’s effectiveness, others may disparage such
fantasy wizardry. Regardless, another year of good regular season play and, once
again, another defecation of the undergarments in the playoffs for
what seems like the third or fourth year running for Cayle. However, we do see this young man is deserving of some significant credit for his fantasy football season. Had Fred Jackson and Andre
Johnson stayed healthy, Cayle may have been the one to successfully court The
Yoder. His one eyesore for much of the season was the QB position, where he was
at the mercy of post f-bomb Ron Burgundy look-a-like, Ryan
Fitzpatrick. At one point, Cayle was relegated to starting Charlie Whitehurst.
Good heavens. Fantasy negligence of this magnitude is liable to get someone killed. In
conclusion we offer two closing points. One - Cayle will be forced to, yet
again, reassess his fantasy methodology in the offseason while pretending to care about fantasy
baseball. And two – Ryan Fitzpatrick (Harvard) makes it clear the NFL Wonderlic does not have a fantasy ethics section.
(An)Drew Cloud - Recap: 'Clam Chowder' / 9-4 / Regular Season Champion
Like the immortal Walter Sobchak, Drew doesn’t dare roll
during the time of his ethos, UK Basketball. The artist formerly known as Andrew has failed to
capitalize on two consecutive regular season first place finishes, and his
inability to exercise the considerable weapons at his disposal has regrettably
become his MLU postseason M.O. His regular season was notable in a number of
instances, being that he acquired The Gronk and Jordy Nelson with considerable
ease and he also managed to not verbally assault anyone in an overly explicit
manner via the Yahoo discussion board. Yet, we would liken his incompetence to
perform during the playoffs to that of a child with no means of changing their
urine saturated diaper. The impending rash is going to insight some other
worldly southern discomfort, but the immediate need just isn’t throwing up any red
flags. Can you blame him? Considering his infatuation with Kentucky basketball,
it seems only appropriate his team will struggle in the closing weeks of the
fantasy season. His preference for the Yoder is undoubtedly a question among
other managers in the MLU, so his annual case of late season fantasy narcolepsy
could be The Yoder imposing her will unto someone who is more worried about
jock sniffing UK recruits rather than flattering the gypsy of the MLU with fine wines and outrageous gifts. In the overall scheme of the MLU season, Drew
came out a victor in 2011, but The Yoder’s absence will serve as a daily
reminder for what might have been.
Ed Cloud - Recap: 'BigBangBar' / 9-4 / MLU Runner – Up
After dropping his final game of the regular season followed
by the knife in the back courtesy of Drew Brees in the MLU Championship, Ed broke
out the polyester pants, dusted off some vinyl, and had himself a nice cry. We'd wager that the track was something along the lines of a hot Bee Gees tune, but seeing as Ed is a man of the South, it had to have been Skynyrd. Anything else would have been sacrilegious. There is really little else to be said. After a kick to the stones of that
magnitude, any man is liable to writhe on the ground before assuming the fetal position
in the hopes that Brees would finish the job he started, Michael Corleone style. While The Yoder ignored his plight for yet another year, Ed managed to finish a
fantasy season only a handful of points short of glory with a lineup that can
be considered, at best, patchwork. Some
amongst the MLU were surprised to see less verbal crossfire between Ed and his
younger adversaries this season, which contradicts his tendency to always
escalate the conflict. But we at the MLU are no stranger to his schemes,
because Ed is a conniving Mr. Miyagi doppelganger. For now, we offer our
condolences to Ed on his heartfelt defeat in the finals and his losses from the KFC stock he purchased last week. Come next season, however, we know with
absolute certainty that the old man will be flying the rebel flag and applying
the sacrificial blood in the Deep South, hunting for The Yoder once more.
Cody Anthony - Recap: 'Blastoise' / 4-9
Prior to this season Cody had made two consecutive playoff
appearances, much to the dismay of MLU followers everywhere. Alarms were sounded, shelters were stocked, President Obama cancelled a vacation - you name it - the world was ready for impending annihilation. It seems, though,
that order has been restored and Cody is back to employing fantasy curmudgeons
like Mark Sanchez, as was the case in 2011. Some in the MLU saw Cody as a
potential contender as recently as Week 7, until he induced a full blown midseason fire sale of his lineup
in a fashion that would make a Dayton RV salesman blush. Aside from some regrettable
plays of injured starters (Sidney Rice alert), we commend the increased fervor with
which Anthony tried to attract the eye of The Yoder this year. He dealt for Cam Newton at the right time, and shipped the best player in fantasy, Darren McFadden, to the Commissioner less than a week before Run DMc went down for the season. We knew things
had really changed for good when he began to openly concede that his belief in acquiring
as many former members of the 2008 Ohio State team was not going to reach fantasy
football fruition, and even more so, was unwise. So it now appears that Cody
has chosen to level his nose to the grindstone henceforth, in the belief that
fantasy mediocrity is only the beginning for the manager who was once considered
the MLU punching bag. Or that is - until Urban Meyer pulls the steam whistle on
his NFL conglomerate in Columbus.
Colin Foster - Recap: ‘Rock Stars From Mars’ / 9-4
35 more points and Foster would have been crowned our
regular season champion in his first year in the MLU. We’d see that as quite a
feat, but then again we shouldn’t be speaking on behalf of someone who used to serenade
millions of Idol fans on a nightly basis. Unfortunately for he of the angelic
voice, there won’t be any sneaking up on anyone in the standings next year,
where we will be ready to counter his blonde highlights with a tour de force of
waiver wire craftiness and unchecked aggression. His assembled team at draft
night received some high praise, but it was his late evening scheming that led
to some of the more lopsided trades of the season with fellow managers. After said
trades, Colin burned through a few packs of Lucky Strikes on his way to an 8
game winning streak that put him very near the top of the standings, but
ultimately he fell short in the semi-finals. Foster’s notable rookie season in
the MLU has probably captured the attention of The Yoder, but we’d elucidate that
such an interest is more likely connected to her infamous past with famous
crooners like Sinatra and Martin, among others. Regardless, there is no denying
that Foster was among the elite this season and his reputation could also see
an alarming spike should Clay Aiken’s next album go platinum.
Chett Borchers - Recap: ‘Supaballas’ / 7-6
In 2011 Chett decided to tangle with the enigma that is Michael
Vick, and he was publically emasculated by the former convict. Scrambling in
the standings amidst a pack of savages, Chett stuck with his first round selection
until their bitter demise some 9 weeks into the fantasy season. In the remaining
weeks, Borchers tabbed Alex Smith as his new starting QB and applied for social
security. Others failed to live up to expectations along the way as well. Anquan
Boldin was nonexistent in Baltimore and both McGahee and Forte struggled late in the year to deliver numbers, looking more deserving of a Canadian Football contract, let alone a position
on the ‘Supaballas’ roster. This comes as no surprise to us, however. Chett had
neglected to participate in fantasy football for a time period that stretched
from high school to his senior year in college, citing some absurd reasons
along the lines of gainful employment, academic accountability, and other
nonsense. The Yoder took stock of his transgressions and inflicted her will. Whether
or not she is satisfied with the wreckage caused remains to be seen. Despite
the uncertainty, we at the MLU are glad to have the leader of the Supaballas
back. His subtle trash-talking is rare, but when the need arises he has no
qualms with intruding into his opponent’s personal space. Now if we could only
say the same for Chett’s attitude towards the top of the MLU standings.
Jay Borchers - Recap: ‘Roger Klotz’ / 5-8
If the Year of the Bird was supposed to entail a 5-8 record,
some tremendous Nickelodeon references, and York-Borchers coaching rivalry,
then we can’t quite place the excitable Birdman’s season long declaration of
impending greatness. He pulled many of the right moves late last summer when he
picked off AJ Green from the MLU draft board well before others had the
inclination to do so, and he also joined the commissioner in the studio for
some of the more entertaining MLU Podcast dialogue (Birdcall!) of the year. An
overanxious trigger finger on the MLU trade gun may have been the
cause for many of Jay’s troubles this season as it seemed that he could never find the right mix to champion his inaugural squad. He employed Victor Cruz, Antonio
Brown, Darren Sproles, along with some other respectable athletes - all on separate occasions
to mixed results. Much like the newly minted basketball coach’s ideologies, it
seems the Birdman just needs time to familiarize himself with level of scrutiny
that comes with the limelight of the MLU. He practiced little commiseration on
the league’s Yahoo discussion board throughout the year, continually sharing
his extensive philosophical wisdom on the meaning of comfort food and whether
or not Saved by the Bell’s Mr. Belding
was, in fact, a pathological flamer. The Birdman tackled the issues this year
and enticed The Yoder with prime location above the pool table in his man cave,
but he had to learn the hard way that The Yoder does not chase the American
dream, she personifies it.
Kyle Francis - Recap: ‘theFRANCHISE’ / 5-8
Simply known as the ‘Franchise’ (a la Steve
Francis), Butch fell short once again in 2011 after taking a step back from
2010 and finishing among the bottom feeders of the MLU. Something that recently
became known to us is that Butch is pursuing some kind of CSI type degree where
he hopes to one day undertake the task of abducting The Yoder and forcing her
into a surrender at the hands of a flawless criminal, Eastern Kentucky style. Even
though he secured some stonecold killers in Megatron Johnson and LeSean McCoy
in the draft, Butch pledged undying allegiance to Joe Flacco for the near
entirety of the season before he came to reason with the acquisition of The Red
Rifle. By then, it was too late as irrevocable damage had been exacted by Sesame
Street’s Bert. Butch usually refrains from calling out his fellow managers on
the league discussion board, but he does have a tendency to fire off some tongue-in-cheek
one liners that know how to find their considerably below the belt mark. His
long standing position is this league has been riddled with near excellence and
frustration on the level of a prom night parental run in. Butch assures us he
is no longer affiliated with the underground social order known as Resident
Assistants, but The Yoder does not appear eager to accept such a claim as she
obviously feels that amends have yet to be made.
Max Bergman - Recap: ‘You Got Egged Bro’ / 7-6
Max Bergman with another deer in the headlights
fantasy season, marking this as the second consecutive year he has stayed home
for the MLU playoffs. He clearly fancies himself an avid cultural connoisseur
and cunning manager, yet Bergman has produced next to nothing the past two
seasons aside from some well aimed taunts at Derek and a fraudulent team name
(Under Dwayne Bowe – awkward). He routinely equates his MLU shortcomings to the
burdens of being a pre-med student and the time he spends working his game at
the very same High Street saloons where he retrieves cadavers leftover from
weekends prior. His 2011 season looked promising at the start with some
juggernauts like Ray Rice and Jason Witten, but after he prematurely moved
Darren Sproles and realized his best option at QB was the waiver wire, Max
closed up shop and wandered home to live the college debt dream for another
day. We’d expect to find him this summer either back in the lab or deep within
some Portuguese village exploring new forms of voodoo magic that just may
improve his chances with The Yoder. Managers of the MLU are aware of Max’s incompetence,
only we are desperately trying to maintain the bridges built with Bergman in
the hopes of scoring some cheap prescription drugs throughout our middle aged
years from the future Doc.
Kyler Ludlow - Recap: "Eskimo Brothers' / 7-6
The
voice of the Lansing Lugnuts snuck into the MLU playoffs late in the 2011
season to no avail, as an old fashioned schooling by Edward Cloud secured Kyler’s
fate. Aside from the king of the discount double check (Aaron Rodgers), Kyler’s
lineup bore a strong resemblance to the stack of names we’d likely see at an
inner city unemployment office. An important aspect of the season for
Ludlow was how his potential relationship with The Yoder may have taken on pretentious
terms giving that he has chosen to get hitched next spring. Her involvement in
the upcoming bachelor party will not only be a topic of interest on an upcoming
MLU Podcast, but most likely to the authorities of Windsor, Canada. Ludlow
prefers to spend his time behind the mic of the baseball Lugnuts up in Lansing,
which means he probably spends the other 23 hours of the day at Dennys or
behind a locked door. Based on his track record with the MLU, he’s more likely
to turn down a Baseball Tonight broadcast than seriously compete for an MLU
title. Hardships aside, Kyler was one of the more non-egregious managers of the season. His annual theft of the Commissioner's lineup, a model mid-season name change, and successfully avoiding a prenuptial agreement show that 2012 is already coming up aces for one of the MLU's finest.
MLU Champions:
2008 - Andrew Cloud
2009 - Jesse Grogean
2010 - Derek Francis
Highest Point Total (Week - Regular Season):
Andrew Cloud / Logan Neargarder - 173.54 (2010)
Lowest Point Total (Week)
Logan Neargarder - 34.00 (2010)
Highest Point Total (Week - Playoffs)
Derek Francis - 184.48 (2011)
Consecutive Playoff Appearances
Jesse Grogean - 2008-2010
